Your First Ex-Boyfriend
By Big Bruiser Dope Boy - Feb 14, 2020

I’m going to be your first ex-boyfriend
Most of your friends will become my friends
They will come to like me more than you
I’m going to be your first ex-boyfriend
You will try to keep tabs on me
But I’m not an internet browser, babe
You’re an internet browser
You can rent a boy, you can rent a friend
But you can’t rent a boyfriend––not really
I’m going to be your first ex-boyfriend
I’m going to make you feel wrong and dirty
But not in the way you like
The way you liked it when I berated you
Like a loving yet abusive father
We get hard for our pasts, as they harden in us
And hard as we try, we all smell like something
I smell like your first ex-boyfriend
I masturbated to you in the shower this morning
It was great, it was mine, because you weren’t really there
You were never really there, were you, for me?
I remember what that feels like
I have a first ex-boyfriend, too
He wasn’t perfect, but he was better than you
At least my first ex-boyfriend tried
Remember, after it went down (again)
When you said “I’m not perfect, either”?
Perfection isn’t what I wanted
I wanted you to try, instead of trying me on, like shoes in the mail
I can only say “I’m sorry” for the same thing so many times
I can only say “I love you” so many times before you’ll never know it
You thought, you felt, you thought you felt . . .
You thought you were falling in love, not tripping over mine
I thought your thoughts held the truth
I should learn to pay more attention
I should see my mom more often
I should do a lot of things more often
You should do a lot of things less
It might be time for you to log off for good
And log in to your heart’s wilderness
A place scarier than any real place
Is love a real place? I’m trying to find it
I’ve been there before, I gave you my map
But it’s a conquest done on one’s own
I’m going to be your first real X
You will be my last fake one