Eight Things I Hate About Me
By Mark Leidner - Dec 20, 2017
I hate it when I spend my life
breeding and training elite sled dogs
only to end up the crusty, old
villain in some younger musher’s story.
I hate it when I’m giving an academic talk
at my alma mater
and my old mentor is a no-show
causing me to question the value of my scholarship.
I hate when I humiliate
a nerd in lunchroom
only for them to become
cool later, humiliating me
at a house party or a school dance.
I hate when I’m trying to avoid
seeing a dive bar right behind me
just as the city bus barrels by
reflecting in its strip of moving windows
the dive bar’s neon signage.
I hate it when I spend my youth
decrying the hypocrisies of adults
only to become one
who conceives of hypocrisy
as the very pinion of consciousness.
I hate it when I cockily kiss my biceps
in a dive bar, taunting a dock-worker
into arm-wrestling me, only to be
all the more humiliated when I lose.
I hate it when I fall off a boat
and the weight of all the mobile gaming
consoles in my cargo shorts pockets
pins me to the seafloor.
I hate it when I’m in geometry class
intent on disrupting the lesson
with inane and off-topic contributions
only to be moved to silence
by the beauty of the Pythagorean theorem.
ARTWORK BY CHRIS BALLANTYNE